words: Matt Goias photo: David Black
“Why don’t we just hang out at my place and watch a DVD?”
There it go.
That sentence right there is the sure-shot come-on of the last, let’s say, 20 years. In the greater pantheon of ways to get a girl up to your place, “Let’s just hang out and watch a movie,” is up there with, “Would you like some coffee?” “How about a night cap?” and “I really need a back rub.”
Inviting a girl up to watch a movie can be the perfect point at which you determine what direction your relationship is gonna go. If it veers one way, it’s friendly f*** buddies forever. Veered in another direction, you’re wifed up in girlfriend town.
After you have struggled through the first date, the dinner and dancing, the up-all-night-talking-on-the-phone sessions, and the first-time-having-sex portion of new love, there’s that small window of time you have to transition to being steady sex partners.
Basically, if a girl is coming up to your crib, there’s a pretty good chance that she knows what you are both there for. She’s thinking, “Okay, I’ll fuck him if he doesn’t fuck this up.”
(P.S. Once established that a girl likes a guy, that’s what all girls are thinking in regards to sex. Always.)
Now here’s the tough part…you not fucking it up.
There are some things you can do and some movies you can pick that may make things turn out not exactly as you planned. I have taken the liberty of creating some categories of films that may aid you in getting laid. Stick to my script and you’ll be good to go like Elephant Man at the Caribbean Day Parade.
Short Attention Span Movies (Green Light)
I have a theory that no girl, in the history of cinema, has ever actually seen a movie. While males like to watch a story, see character development, see an explosion here and there, and ultimately, see a resolution of some sort, girls just sorta like to see an hour and a half of pretty pictures strung together. If there’s music, the occasional joke, and some cute people and outfits involved, even better.
These are good movies for when you have a girl over because they’re basically like having a pastiche of pretty art and music playing on your TV screen. Remember trip videos? Same theory here, but if you can pull it off with the whiff of art (see all Wes Anderson films), it’ll work to your greater benefit. Below are some movies that are jam-packed with interesting visuals.
The Royal Tenenbaums [Touchstone, ’01], The Life Aquatic [Touchstone, ’04], Napoleon Dynamite [MTV , ’04], A Clockwork Orange [Warner Bros., ’71], Tommy [Columbia, ’75], Brazil [Universal, ’85], Sid And Nancy [Zenith, ’86], Pink Floyd’s The Wall [MGM, ’82], Gummo [Independent Pictures, ’97], Julien Donkey Boy [Independent, ’99], The Virgin Suicides [Paramount, ’99]
Silly Movies (Green Light)
These will work every time. Lighthearted, funny, and just plain goofy movies with their simple story lines and happy endings are always a great bet to insure that you’ll be getting a happy ending as well. These are feel good films dumb enough that if you stopped paying attention at any point to converse, grope, or whatever, you will be able to return to the movie, and not feel like you have missed a beat. These aren’t super enthralling, so they promote conversation between you and your girl and they’re just almost pointless enough that you could get up and retire to the bedroom at any given moment. Pleasant all around.
Tommy Boy [Paramount, ’95], Black Sheep [Paramount, ’96], Billy Madison [Universal, ’95], Happy Gilmore [Universal, ’96], Overboard [MGM, ’87], Dirty Dancing [Artisan, ’87], Footloose [Paramount, ’84], Moonstruck [MGM, ’87] Ferris Bueller’s Day Off [Paramount, ’86], Night Of The Comet [CBS/Fox, ’84], Sleepless In Seattle [TriStar, ’93]
Chick Flicks (Red Light)
Any movie that makes girls feel really strong and good about themselves and empowered are bad, bad, bad. Stay away from these at all costs. You may think you’re winning by suggesting these titles, but they will put your girl in a state of mind that is not conducive to you gettin’ some. She is going to feel super strong and grrrl powered, take a look at you and be like, “I don’t need his wack ass. I can do way better than this.”
The First Wives Club [Paramount, ’96], Steel Magnolias [TriStar, ’86], Fried Green Tomatoes [Universal, ’91], Working Girl [Fox, ’88], Maid In Manhattan [Sony, ’02], 9 To 5 [Fox, ’80], Flashdance [Paramount, ’83]
Great Films (Red Light)
These are movies that will, most definitely, NOT get you laid. If you read my above theories under the “Short Attention Span Movies” heading, you will be able to surmise why actual great cinema may not work to your benefit. It’s just not worth the risk.
If your girl is one of the rare females who does actually appreciate fine film, award winning cinema is STILL not your best plan of action. If she’s really, truly into great films (say, a film student), the watching of a great movie will just distract her and she may even take offense if you’re making horny moves on her during a Kurosawa tracking shot. The best bet here is to OWN the fine cinema. Have the DVDs on display near your entertainment center so she sees that you have good taste, but don’t actually suggest that you watch them. Trust.
Citizen Kane [Warner, ’41], Style Wars [PBS, ’83], When We Were Kings [PolyGram, ’96], Rockers [Rockers Film, ’78], Land Of Look Behind [Subversive, ’82], Glengarry Glen Ross [New Line, ’92], Platoon [MGM, ’86], Wild Style [Rhino, ’82], The Warriors [Paramount, ’79], GoodFellas [Warner Brothers, ’90], Scarface [Universal, ’83], Any Michael Moore Films, Memento [Columbia, ’00], Reservoir Dogs [Live, ’92]
She’s So Cute Movies
AKA Actresses Who Ain’t Cute Movies (Green Light)
To most girls, movie star equals beautiful. Period. There are some female movie stars, however, whose appeal is more of a “girl next door,” “I wish we could go and get Starbucks together” kind of thing.
Deep down, girls know that these actresses aren’t all that beautiful and it makes them feel really, really good to see them star as leading roles in blockbuster films. It makes them feel, essentially, that they are prettier than a movie star. That, in turn, makes them feel sexy and, therefore, sexual. Check for any movie with any of the actresses below while following the rules set forth in my other listed categories.
Meg Ryan, Chloë Sevigny, Renée Zellweger, Joey Lauren Adams, Melanie Griffith, Sarah Jessica Parker, Maggie Gyllenhaal
Don’t Do It! Don’t Do It! (Green/Red Light)
Girls LOVE these movies. You will HATE these movies. You will hate these movies SO badly that no matter how much you wanna bang this girl and no matter how hot and bothered she gets from these movies, you will be in such a horrible mental state that you may toss her from the crib before the opening credits are finished rolling. If you LIKE these movies, you will definitely get laid, although you may be more comfortable watching these movies with a dude instead of a female.
The English Patient [Miramax, ’96], Shakespeare In Love [Miramax, ’98], Orlando [Sony, ’92], Gosford Park [USA, ’01], Dangerous Liaisons [Warner Bros., ’88], Pride & Prejudice [Universal, ’05], Howard’s End [Columbia, TriStar, ’92], Sense And Sensibility [Columbia, ’95]
Cameron Crowe Movies (Green Light)
I have no idea how this guy does it, but Cameron Crowe has nailed the date movie better than anyone ever in the history of the big screen. With the release of each new film he thrusts a new one liner into the English lexicon. “Show me the money.” “You had me at hello.” “If it weren’t this, it’d be something else.” All genius. All his. All by the man who scored rock goddess Nancy Wilson of Heart. He’s a magic man. Singles will get you laid every time and I have a feeling that Elizabethtown may even take the crown away from the Seattle based grunge classic.
Almost Famous [Columbia, ’00], Singles [Warner Bros., ’92], Jerry Maguire [TriStar, ’96], Elizabethtown [Paramount, ’05], Say Anything [Fox, ’89]
Classics (Yellow Light)
I’ve been with girls who are so dumb that they don’t even know what these movies are and therefore, they just make you look like a weird guy who watches movies that are, “like, so old.” With the right girl, however, these titles will show her that you are knowledgeable, romantic, and have good taste. These are a bit of a gamble.
Casablanca [Warner Bros., ’42], Gone With The Wind [MGM, ’39], Breakfast at Tiffany’s [Paramount, ’61], It’s A Wonderful Life [Artisan, ’46]
