Words: Jay Riggio
Photos: Peter Graham
Twenty-eight year old comedian, writer and actor Nick Swardson not only has more talent on the backside of his neck than an entire fraternity of magic-wielding wizards, he’s also just about one of the funniest dudes in the world of Hollywood. The Minnesota native’s penned The Benchwarmers and Grandma’s Boy—and plays the character Terry, the roller skating sex fiend on TV’s Reno 911! and Reno 911!: Miami the movie. Notorious for playing the genuinely weird, Nick’s currently starring in Blades of Glory and the upcoming I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Though Nick’s known for slinging jokes with the quickness, he’s no stranger to the caliber of dickhead that sure as shit can’t take one. Nick comes clean about his drunken antics one night at LA’s Improv comedy club, where he was caught off guard by a furious meathead with just his dick in his hands.
“I’m at the club, and I start doing this thing where I pull my dick out of my pants and put it over my wrist and go up to girls and say, ‘I can’t read my watch, can you read my watch?’ They would look down and see my dick over my wrist and freak out. So I pulled my dick out and walk up to this girl and she looked down and goes, ‘Oh my god, that’s your dick?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah.’ She goes, ‘Oh my god, that’s fucking so funny. You gotta show my boyfriend that.’ I didn’t even think that was a horrible idea in my head. I’m drunk like, Yeah I’ll share this with everybody.
“She goes up to her boyfriend and says, ‘Check out what this guy just showed me.’ So I go up to her boyfriend and I’m like, ‘Hey can you read my watch?’ And the guy is like, ‘Is that your fucking dick you just showed to my fucking girlfriend?!’ I started laughing and I go, ‘Yeah, we thought it was really funny, and he goes, ‘It’s not fucking funny!’ And he grabs me by the throat and throws me out of the club onto the sidewalk. I was with a bunch of dudes, so the guy was fucked. I don’t think I even put my dick back in my pants ’til I was outside. He got up in my face and threw me against the wall and goes, ‘You think this is funny, motherfucker? You got a pretty fucking small watch.’ And I go, ‘How’s it small if it went over my whole wrist? Lets see your watch, dude.’ And he’s like ‘Fuck you,’ and I go, ‘No, let’s see your watch, come on, man, let’s see your fucking watch.’ And everyone’s like, ‘Yeah, let’s see your watch, dude.’ And he’s like, ‘I’m not showing you my fucking watch!’ And his girlfriend’s like, ‘Just show them the watch.’ And he goes, ‘Fuck you, you got me into this shit!’ And literally everybody was pointing at the guy and laughing. There were so many people there that nothing else happened. I guess it wasn’t really a fight, it was an almost-fight.”
