words: John Z. photos: Cody Smyth
Between dropping money in massage parlors, on Brazilian streetwalkers and Internet escorts, comedian Jim Norton estimates that over the years, he’s spent tens of thousands on the sex trade. “There have been days where I’ve blown through $1,000,” says 39-year-old Norton, a New Jersey native who now resides in Manhattan. “I can’t really even comprehend how much I spent, but I could tell you I could make Charlie Sheen look like a rookie, man. I spent a lot of money on box, dude.”
Norton, who is an official member of CBS and XM satellite radio’s The Opie and Anthony Show has recently released Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty Breasted Zilch, on Simon Spotlight. Norton’s first editorial offering is a realistic look at his rise from his parent’s North Brunswick, NJ, basement and up the ranks of the cutthroat stand up comedy circuit. The book, which is written like a journal, includes Norton’s hilarious personal reflections of his life in and out of rehab, his failed relationships and his taste for ladies of the night. “It’s nice to tell people what you’re really like,” he says. “I took all the funny stuff that I wanted to say and not have to soften it up one ounce or be politically correct.”
In the early ’90s, Norton, a comedy neophyte, formed an alliance with Jim Florentine (of Crank Yankers fame), whom he also lived with, traveled with and performed shows with. While Florentine knocked comedy fans out of their seats and willing female participants out of their panties, Norton was usually left holding his dick back at the hotel. In one chapter entitled, “A Road Story,” Norton goes into intimate detail about the first time he almost got road ass in Connecticut following a performance, but managed to drop the ball as the girl’s brothers blocked his potential score. As a way to relieve the stresses he had built up, Norton pleasured himself in the car en route home, while an unsuspecting Florentine and fellow comedian, Bob Levy were sitting in the front seats.
“I was so outta my mind,” Norton recalls. “Jim heard me and turned around and screamed at me to stop, so I just put my dick away,” Norton recalls. “It was just really fuckin’ creepy.” Although Norton’s book has been a few years in the making, he’s achieved a sense of personal accomplishment to finally have it in the hands of his fans and others who might appreciate his sick brand of humor. “Considering the amount of time I spent online and looking on craigslist and being a pig, it’s a miracle I got anything done,” he says. “I know the critics are going to hate it, but I don’t care. As long as it sells a few copies and people think it’s funny, then I’m good.”
