as told to Jay Riggio
photos by Chris Shonting
We live in a world enamored with all things small. Cute little puppies, tiny babies, bite-sized cookies and iPods the size of miniature Butterfingers. Unfortunately, for little adults who have man heads perched atop their prepubescent bodies, our culture’s same appreciation for smallness goes completely unfound. I know because I too am a man-child. Twenty-four-year-old Aziz Ansari is also a little man. But just because the delicately built, 5-foot 7-inch, bearded Ansari couldn’t hold his own in a ring against a fifth grade honor student, it doesn’t mean he can’t write, executive produce, direct and star the fuck out of the ironically titled MTV skit-comedy hit, Human Giant. He’s appeared on Flight of The Conchords and is awaiting the release of his on-screen debut, 2008’s The Rocker. As some may say, this lil’ South Carolinan has got his grown-up plate full. Without the physical means to throw down, Aziz usually avoids confrontation, but one night outside a super lame bridge and tunnel Manhattan club, he flexed the shit out of his wit muscles to verbally and mentally fuck up his opponent.
“I was going to meet a friend of mine at one of those really elitist bars in New York where they’re really strict at the door. My friend’s like, ‘Oh, don’t worry, it won’t be a problem. I talked to them, they’re gonna let you and your friend in.’ So we get down there and of course they’re like, ‘No, sorry we’re full, we’re not letting anyone else in.’ My friend’s like, ‘No, no, no, these are the two friends I told you about, they came all the way down. You gotta let them in. I just spoke with so-and-so and he said it’s alright.’ The guy’s like, ‘Sorry, you’re not getting in here. Do you wanna work here? ’Cause you don’t work here, I work here. If you wanna work here and do my job, you can do it, but they’re not getting in.’
“He was being a real asshole. So I stood in front of the bar and anytime people would come out I would say, ‘I’m sorry, you’re not getting out, we’re at capacity right now. You can’t get into New York City, we’re totally full right now. We have no room, you’re not on the list, you have to go back into the bar, I’m very sorry.’ I just kept doing this for at least 10 minutes. Then when people would try to get in the bar and the doorman would try to talk to the people, I’d be like, ‘No, I’m sorry, you’re not a doorman. You’re not on my doorman list. You’re not a doorman anymore. I’m the only doorman right now, you’re not on the doorman list.’ I was doing his French voice exactly like his, mimicking him, like, scrolling on his BlackBerry and stuff and the other doormen were laughing at him. Eventually the other two doormen go, ‘Alright, look, you gotta move,’ and they lifted me up and moved me away. I was like, ‘Look, I have no problem with you guys not letting me in, but there’s no reason to be rude like that, that guy’s a prick!’ He was like, ‘Just leave, man,’ and I was like, ‘Tell them you’re a prick!’ and he went, ‘I’m a prick! I’m a prick!’ For him to say he’s a prick, twice—that was probably more gratifying than punching him in the face.”
